Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And if these divas actually committed the vengeful acts they sang about, they’d fail even the most cursory background screening with flying colors. So it’s a good thing these six tales of heartbreak are just make-believe.
Pat Benatar — You Better Run
Her Crime: Terroristic threats
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
You better run, you better hide, you better leave from my side
Okay, we don’t know why this guy should run and hide, and that’s precisely why the chorus to this Pat Benatar classic is so frightening. What’s she planning to do to him?! Trust us, you don’t need Pat creating a culture of fear at your company. Move on to other, less scary candidates.
Blu Cantrell — Hit ‘Em Up Style (Oops!)
Her Crime: Financial fraud/Theft
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
Hey ladies / When your man wanna get buckwild / Just go back and hit ’em up style / Put your hands on his cash and spend it to the last dime / For all the hard times
So Blu Cantrell was cheated on, and she decided that the best revenge was to commit theft and fraud. Hope you stole big, Blu. Because now, no company is going to let you anywhere near their finances.
Carrie Underwood — Before He Cheats
Her Crime: Vandalism/Property damage
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
I dug my key into the side / Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive / Carved my name into his leather seats / I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights / I slashed a hole in all four tires / Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats
Whew, Carrie’s so mad that she destroyed her ex’s car with a baseball bat and a knife. Better make sure she’s completed anger management before you bring her on board. Otherwise, you’ll say the wrong thing in an email and end up walking home.
Aretha Franklin — Until You Come Back To Me
Her Crime: Stalking/harassment
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
Although your phone you ignore / Somehow I must, somehow I must, how I must explain / I’m going to rap on your door / Tap on your window pane / I’m going to camp by your steps / Until I get through to you / Till you come back to me that’s what I’m gonna do
Yeah, we’re pretty sure that knocking on someone’s doors and windows incessantly is called stalking. Everyone loves a hard worker, but this kind of persistence is just going to creep other employees out. What happens if you don’t give Aretha something that she wants? Then you’ve got to deal with her banging on your office door all day. Hard pass.
Rihanna — Breakin’ Dishes
Her Crime: Property destruction/Assault & battery
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
I’m still waiting, come through the door / I’m killing time and I’m bleaching your clothes / I’m roasting marshmallows on the fire / And what I’m burning, is your attire / I’m breakin’ dishes up in here / All night / I ain’t gonna stop until I see police lights / I’m a fight a man tonight
She’s bleaching clothes. She’s burning things. She’s breaking dishes. What did the dishes do to you Rihanna?! She’s clearly capable of some next-level rage, so make sure that you let her down easy when you tell her she didn’t get the job.
Nancy Sinatra — These Boots Are Made For Walkin’
Her Crime: Assault & battery
Most Incriminating Lyrics:
These boots are made for walking / And that’s just what they’ll do / One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
Nancy is correct. Boots are, indeed, made for walking. But we’re 100% sure that the designer of her lovely footwear didn’t intend for her to trample people in them. Walk away from her before she turns you into a literal doormat.
Need help screening your office stars? Contact JDP!